Smiles

Thoughts of the future bring me smiles
Even in those darkest of hours
When my memories well up inside
And I can feel their emotions
As the wind caresses their open wound

And as the future unfurls in front of me
Fear resides, but love overpowers all
And the joy and warmth brings out my smiles
Turning thoughts of sadness into joy
And all those missteps, all those failures
Become something as they have led to this moment

I shall never let go of, as I shall always have its smile

posted by Pacer 9/17/2006

Untitled Dreams

In my hand I hold my wallet
Inside rests faded dreams, faded sorrows
The ghosts of opportunities past
Creep out through the leather folds
In the pictures of my past days
Faded memories I fear of losing
Moments in time I can’t let go of
And still I hold on like there is no tomorrow

But every dream is another sorrow
I wrap them up into a package
And keep that package deep down inside
So that I can remember
Remember all those feelings
For tomorrow

Still I dream and I look forward
Hoping to glimpse a sight beyond sorrow
Dreams may be flighty
But my resolve remains
And so I push onward
Into tomorrow

posted by Pacer 9/17/2006

Monday, March 06, 2006

There is a bird outside my window ....

And he is singing sweetly, softly and low ....

If I turn down my music enough, I can hear the lilting tunes from my computer chair.

The tune takes me back to moments past and conjures up memories I hold dear

All the while I nibble on the cinnamon toast I just made for breakfast

A good day.

posted by Pacer 3/06/2006

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Things to Remember...

Things I Should Remember:
1. Don't just a book by its cover.
2. It's easy to feel superior than others, more difficult to realize that in the end we are all the same.
3. Nothing lasts forever.
4. Pain is temporary.
5. Life is temporary.
6. Life is too short not to love, smile and have fun.
7. Responsibility and Fun are not exclusive from one another.
8. Breathe.

posted by Pacer 1/17/2006

Friday, October 14, 2005

What I Want To Say....

I want you.

I don't want you because your sexy.

I don't want you because I'm lonely.

I don't want you because I am scared.

I want you for you.

I want you for your smile.

I want you for your laugh.

I want you for the way you make me feel inside.

I want you for the way you make me feel like something is right.

I want you for the way my days are so much more meaningful when I think of you.

I want you for your dreams.

I want you for your fears.

I want you.

I want to fight for you.

I want to live with you.

I want to never stop waking up beside you.

I want to love you more than I've ever loved before.

I want you.

posted by Pacer 10/14/2005

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Once More, Lost...

Well, here I go again alone. I have ruined the best thing that ever happened to me, and I have hurt the best one that ever happened to me.

There are so many things I wish I could do differently, but hindsight is 20/20. Except for emotions.

I do not know what I want.

I miss .... her. All of her. But there is a wall, and I do not know if it will ever come down again.

It is my own doing, I knew the risks. I am a fool for thinking this was the only way.

I do love her. I think I love her like that. But I can't say for sure.

Some of my friends say that, if there is any doubt, that means she is not the one.

I am not sure if it is doubt, though, or if it is more like fear.

I do not trust myself. I do not have confidence in my self. It scares me, then, when other people do.

And she did.

And I ran away from it. Like a fool.

And I broke it.

I do not know if the magic will ever return.

For once in my life I was happy. Apparently I thought there was something wrong with that.

Whataver happens, it has to happen on its own.

These things can not be forced.

Whatever happens, she is the best. And always will be.

My sister told me once to think about if I could ever live without her, and act accordingly.

I should have done that, but did not.

Now I think about it. It makes me a bit sad.

Ultimately I have to move forward, move on, and work on my own self.

I am no good to her broken, so even if there is a chance, there is none while broken.

She says she might like to see me in groups with other folks. But no dates.

That is fine, except we live so far apart. I do not see how it will happen.

And, ultimately, I am not that fun. I do not know why she loved me.

I miss her, though. She was my partner. My best friend. My rock. But I threw it all away out of fear, doubt, and lack of self-confidence.

Why can't I be honest with myself? Why can't I let go and love? Why can't I be happy alone, by myself?

Why can't I be happy on my own?

And will I ever have a shot at winning her back?

Sill, stupid me. No pity, please, for the pit I am in was of my own making -- with eagerness and zeal.

Law school goes all right.

But now I have less purpose.

Purpose should be found inside, I suppose.

Love is a dream I had once. Now I am scared I'll never dream it again.

Sad.

posted by Pacer 10/12/2005

Thursday, August 18, 2005

The Summer of 2002....

In the summer of 2002 I was free. Or at least I felt free.

I let go of myself and my worries and my cares and I just glided along in a merry fit of excitement.

I took no heed to the wants and needs of my diet or my bank account but merely paid heed to those whims my carefree and scattered mind might conjure up in the moment.

I danced on dance floors to the sound of music under the twinkling lights of smoke-filled bars.

I whipped down streets in the back of convertibles with pot plants at my side and the sun on my face, the whole time not caring about the dangers but only enjoying the wind rushing through my hair.

I sat on the backs of porches and watched friends get totally baked and ate up the atmosphere, thick with irresponsibility, with forks and knives and spoons while drinking in the summer evenings and the giggles all about.

I drank cheap beer on patios on pizza restaurant dives while listening to the sound of traffic go whizzing by in that whir or mechanical might but only hearing the sounds of the crickets and the wind tickling the blades of grass.

On the 4th of July I baked homemade Apple Pie with girls I met during my daily adventures, and because we did not have a rolling pin we wrapped a can of RAID bug spray in plastic wrap and rolled our dough with it.

It was a very good Apple Pie.

During the days I danced on fields of green trying to keep aloft, or bring down to earth, in their turns flying discs which were majestically lofted through the air in one direction or another.

Those I danced with smiled and cajoled and laughed and loved and filled me with the warmth of being okay where I am and was.

In the summer of 2002 I was free, as free as I could be.

I floated along on life with no worries or cares and I smiled.

Sometimes I think back to those idyllic days and try to imagine how I might catch them again.

Like the summer of all youths, I hang on to vestiges of those days and to hopes and dreams that they might return.

Instead of looking forward, I try to grasp the past and can't release myself, not like I did that summer.

All there is is you, life, and the things you need to do.

What comes may come, what is may be, but you must always remember never to swim against the stream.

The waters of summers past have come and gone, and all you can do is swim in the water of the here and now on this river of life.

The more you struggle, the more you go against the current, the more weary you become.

Relax. Float. Smile and dream.

And never forget to love.

posted by Pacer 8/18/2005

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Sometimes ....

.... I rationalize things like this:

I am feeling down. Music has the chance to make me happy. I should by an iPod and then I can listen to my 20GBs of music whenever I want. It will make me smile.

This is simply false.

I do not need any more gadgets. I hardly use the ones I have.

I purchase something I just know will make my life click into focus and everything work.

It never does.

Answers are not in worldy goods, no matter what religion or belief system you follow, but in yourself and your own thoughts.

Peace does not come through belongings. Peace comes from within.

This is easier to write than to live.

Take care and sans souci.

All love.

posted by Pacer 6/21/2005

Sweetly, softly flowing over pebbles in the brook...

Summer is here. Without school it almost seems as if there are no seasons. Only holidays.

Sometimes the sun and the warmth and the green catches me eye. It makes me smile.

Sometimes my day just keeps whizzing by without me noticing.

I miss the days I could go outside and just toss a frisbee with my friends.

I miss the days I could go driving around, listening to music and singing at the top of my lungs with friends in the back seat sharing in.

I miss the carefree days of youth and college.

I now have stress headaches and an ulcer. I do not excercise. I am getting ... rotund. More so than ever before.

I sit here and listen to music which reminds me it's summer.

I need to find an ultimate frisbee club or something.

Our lives are too short to worry and vex ourselves over things of which we have no control.

Worry is over-rated. If only I could remember how I let it all go .....

Part of it was simply not caring. Which led to not doing any work.

That can not be the solution. There has to be a middle ground.

I hope I can find it before it is too late.

posted by Pacer 6/21/2005

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Print-on-Demand and Self-Publishing....

And the hyphens simply keep on coming!

I am considering self-publishing a book. It will take a lot of work on the manuscript side, but I think I can do it. There is already some decent content on this blog, plus I can likely write some more, so the manuscript seems to be doable. I will also need some proofreading and editorial help. I think I have some friends who will help.

The interesting side will be the publishing. I found this company (www.booksurge.com) to be the best deal for me. I have Adobe PageMaker 6.5 and I am fairly proficient in its use and the creation of PDFs through it. I believe I can make a good product.

So the $99.00 pre-print setup fee and the approximate $12-$15 per-book fee does not seem so bad.

The real question is whether or not I can provide a good product. I do not think I will be looking for a profit here (although it looks like I'll get maybe $2 per book sold) but regardless of profit, I want something that doesn't suck.

Much of my writing, especially my earlier writing, is indicative of my age and period of life at the time I wrote it. For instance: On these pages you will find quite a bit of teen/young adult angst regarding love and the nature of love. Oh the pining and the whining and the poor poetry and prose which rhymes far too often in a Victorian children's literature way -- I do not think a book full of this kind of thing will be worth ever reading.

I do feel I have some interesting short stories. I am looking at doing perhas a comination manuscript with short stories introducing themes which are further explored through poetry. We'll see how that works.

I originally thought "Oh, I have lots of written material, I can just use that!" when this crazy idea popped into my head. Well .... not so much.

After reviewing all of my work published here on this site I have decided that there will need to be some new material from me if this will work.

I do have some decent works on here, but they do not always flow well together. They are as scattered as my thought process is wont to be.

Some of my favorite pieces will likely not fit the style of manuscript I am planning, so that is a bit sad.

We'll see how this ends up. Likely my efforts will fail into oblivion, especially in this time of chaos between moving from one location to another and doing it again one month later and all the upheavel this will cause.

It might be interesting.

posted by Pacer 6/14/2005