What I Want To Say....

I want you.

I don't want you because your sexy.

I don't want you because I'm lonely.

I don't want you because I am scared.

I want you for you.

I want you for your smile.

I want you for your laugh.

I want you for the way you make me feel inside.

I want you for the way you make me feel like something is right.

I want you for the way my days are so much more meaningful when I think of you.

I want you for your dreams.

I want you for your fears.

I want you.

I want to fight for you.

I want to live with you.

I want to never stop waking up beside you.

I want to love you more than I've ever loved before.

I want you.

posted by Pacer 10/14/2005

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Once More, Lost...

Well, here I go again alone. I have ruined the best thing that ever happened to me, and I have hurt the best one that ever happened to me.

There are so many things I wish I could do differently, but hindsight is 20/20. Except for emotions.

I do not know what I want.

I miss .... her. All of her. But there is a wall, and I do not know if it will ever come down again.

It is my own doing, I knew the risks. I am a fool for thinking this was the only way.

I do love her. I think I love her like that. But I can't say for sure.

Some of my friends say that, if there is any doubt, that means she is not the one.

I am not sure if it is doubt, though, or if it is more like fear.

I do not trust myself. I do not have confidence in my self. It scares me, then, when other people do.

And she did.

And I ran away from it. Like a fool.

And I broke it.

I do not know if the magic will ever return.

For once in my life I was happy. Apparently I thought there was something wrong with that.

Whataver happens, it has to happen on its own.

These things can not be forced.

Whatever happens, she is the best. And always will be.

My sister told me once to think about if I could ever live without her, and act accordingly.

I should have done that, but did not.

Now I think about it. It makes me a bit sad.

Ultimately I have to move forward, move on, and work on my own self.

I am no good to her broken, so even if there is a chance, there is none while broken.

She says she might like to see me in groups with other folks. But no dates.

That is fine, except we live so far apart. I do not see how it will happen.

And, ultimately, I am not that fun. I do not know why she loved me.

I miss her, though. She was my partner. My best friend. My rock. But I threw it all away out of fear, doubt, and lack of self-confidence.

Why can't I be honest with myself? Why can't I let go and love? Why can't I be happy alone, by myself?

Why can't I be happy on my own?

And will I ever have a shot at winning her back?

Sill, stupid me. No pity, please, for the pit I am in was of my own making -- with eagerness and zeal.

Law school goes all right.

But now I have less purpose.

Purpose should be found inside, I suppose.

Love is a dream I had once. Now I am scared I'll never dream it again.

Sad.

posted by Pacer 10/12/2005