Smile!!!

Smile
Laugh
Grin from ear to ear
Never stop thinking about the good times which are near
Keep your head up
And your heart proud
Keep your eyes shining
Keep your laughter loud

Another new dawn
Another moon gone
The wheel of life goes on
But in my heart I know you will be strong
And your heart will be true
And the goodness of your self
Will always shine through

posted by Pacer 12/30/2001

Saturday, December 29, 2001

The Truth of it All

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to just let go and be happy. To really be at peace. To just float along and, when you are not doing anything, smile.

I think about this and I think about what it would be like to find someone that puts you at peace. You see people in the movies and they look at each other and just sort of smile. Not the smile of inoxication. Not the smile you have when you have that feeling of wanting to be with someone and want to touch someone. That's not love for someone else but love for yourself. "Look what I have!" But the smile of just happiness.

I don't think I will ever really find that. I think you have to really love yourself to love someone like that. I do not love myself. Now, don't get me wrong, I do not hate myself. I do not want to go jump off any buildings or anything. I just do not love myself.

You see so many people wandering around life. They are unhappy with themselves and their situation. The only solace they have is with their own delusions -- walls of defence they've thrown up around them. And then there are the lucky few who find another to help ward off the loneliness of life. Someone to help keep the unhappiness at bay, even if it is only for a moment.

There is so much happiness and love in the world, and so much sadness and grief. I sometimes feel like it's all around me. Like if I just stop breathing I can hold it in, the happiness. But I never can, only the darkness comes in.

My heart is a cyclone of happiness and sadness.... It always feels like it is going to burst. I either have to keep from sobbing like a baby or laughing from awkward joy. And I never can... I never can let any of this out... All I can do is shove it down mercilessly so no one will say "What the hell is wrong with that guy?"

No emotions. I can never be myself. Not around my friends or family. Whenever I am, whenever I let go I am either too excited or to sad or to happy or toooooo something.

I want to find someone I can be myself around who doesn't get annoyed, or turned off, or whatever by me. And, I think, that will never happen.

posted by Pacer 12/29/2001

Monday, December 24, 2001

Restless Night

A million thoughts come at once
And of those million not one can I touch
For each fly by with infinite speed
And the chaos of my brain continues to feed
Upon the confusion of my heart and its beat
And the restlessness of my body,
The footfalls of my feet
Through the night's chill air as I wander through the dark
Life mirrors thought and thought mirrors life
And still I can't find
The peace of my mind
And thoughts fly by
Out of my mind's eye
Into darkness and into light.

posted by Pacer 12/24/2001

Monday, December 17, 2001

Crush

Jason bent down to the ground and picked up a bit of snow and began to crush it in his hands. He slowly formed it into a round sphere....well, relatively round anyhow. Satisfied with his work Jason looked up at the tree in front of him and frowned for a second. And then he let fly with the snowball and it missed, skittering and disintegrating on the ground and roots and leaves besides the tree. He picked up another bit of snow and began again. The kept compacting the snow harder and harder, crushing the snow in his hands until it could not be crushed anymore. And then he hurled the snowball once again at the world only to see it distintegrate once more.

He spent hours at this on the brisk winter day, letting the coldness of the air lap at his skin. It danced and tingled and washed over him and then receded once more only to go through the same process once again as he went through the motions of compacting the snow and hurling it towards the world beyond. The cold could penetrate his skin but he would not let it. He kept it out. He willed it out. But after a while the darkness came. This he could not will out. It was more powerful than him -- his body, his mind.

It was evening and the world was growing darker by the minute. Suddenly the cold, the ache in his arm, and the world rushed in upon him. He had stopped holding it all back. He had stopped forcing it away from him. His arm sank to his side, sore from being overworked. The cold did more than lap at his skin -- it mercilessly pierced his skin and sank into his bones. It was time to head in, he decided. There would be another dawn, he imagined, and he could go about his curiously odd excercise of life once more. When it came.

posted by Pacer 12/17/2001

Sunday, December 16, 2001

Ansley

Glittering eyes
With a
Laugh that startles
And a
Smile that disarms
And a
Manner that brings smiles
And a
Good heart
And a
Bunch of Energy
With a
Flash of hair
And a
Whirl of legs
And a
Ripple of laughter she goes through the day
And she
Makes those around her smile.

posted by Pacer 12/16/2001

Song

As the music plays my mind slips along slowly and wanders down the hallways of my thoughts and I think about my existence and the day and the past days and the past years and the past and I smile and sigh and frown and I remember happy and sad and bittersweet and mist comes to my eyes and I just try and see what I can through the mist in my mind and I try to touch the feeling, try to grab it and keep it and hold it for a moment longer while the song plays but then it begins to wind down and the feelings begin to pass. But I have the song on repeat.

posted by Pacer 12/16/2001

Thursday, December 13, 2001

Images

Upon the wispy waves of Dawn
There sits a land far beyond
Where happiness reigns supreme
And there is joy forever to be seen
And I sit and ponder its fate
And what kind of maker made its mate
Upon the silver cliffs of thought
Which cut through the landscape
Created by the dreams of my mind
Until I reach out to touch
The immortal place so far away
But it comes to nothing and
All things suddenly burst into nothingness, and shatter, and fall as I awake.

posted by Pacer 12/13/2001

Alone

I sit up in my room at night
And dream of dreams that fade with light
And in them I see you and me and her and him
And all the wonderful things that could begin
With and end or end with a begin
And I can't seem to grasp my thoughts
Or feel my Feelings
And all I know
Is that you set me free.

From what cage I know not
For it is not the kind I float along
But more a peaceful glide
And I can't figure it out
But I can't let go
Of this something I can't define.

I want
I want
I want
I want to be
In your arms?
Or in arms?
The mind and soul.....
The body and touch...

The body can be fulfilled by anyone
The soul by only a someone
What's more important?
I think I'll choose the soul
For love is more than the touch of a hand
Or the brush of a lip on a lip
Or the heat of blood rushing through veins
But it is infinite and finite, and it numbers great
And no one can track the types
Love tends to make.

"There are as many kinds of love as there are moments in time." - Jane Austen

posted by Pacer 12/13/2001