Failure

You know..... I am not very fun. I am a moody son of a bitch. So I am up visiting my sister and right away the trip goes poorly. I can't find any black socks so I can't wear my black shoes with my nice black belt (AKA the only belt I could find of an decency) and therefore my black pants and white shirt combo I was going to wear for my dad's Birthday is out the window unless I buy some black socks up in Philadelphia. Well, I get to Phillie and what happens? My brown belt is missing. So now all I HAVE is my black belt. So I will be that guy wearing a black belt with brown shoes. Sue me, Greg. I could care less at this point. This is just a minor point, yes, but it illustrates the mood starting off for the weekend. More things happen: My family annoying the hell out of me in many different ways. On top of that, today I go to Borders to fulfill part of one of my delusional piece of shit dreams which, of course, will come to nothing and in the process ruin one of my favorite shirts AND my only white shirt thus TOTALLY ruining the black pants/white shirt thing I just bought black socks for 30 minutes earlier for my dad's birthday dinner which I wanted to look decent at despite the fact no one else is dressing up. I figure it is the least I can do to look like I have grown up semi-decently by dressing nicvely despite the fact I've been a god damn failure at just about, oh, every fucking thing I've ever put my mind to in this shitty life. Oh, but wait, I forgot I HAVE been a failure at EVERYTHING. So of course this got screwed up. And now I am upset and sulking, skipping out on a family trip to visit Lancaster, something my older sister who I love very much was excited to see (I could see it in her eyes, the way she wanted the family to go and all), and being rude and stand-offish because all my family sees of me is someone who is pouting because "he has nothing to wear." (OH, did I mention I forgot to pack my backup pants which I would have worn first off today and then changed into the nicer outfit I ruined earlier, so I really only have my outfit I need to wear tommorrow.) You would think that after living with me for at least 18 bluidy years and knowing me in a close family situation for another 3 would help them understand some of the damn ways in which I work but, being me and being my family, they have no idea how I think or act or do anything. So I am sitting here typing to this damn website loaded with more failures of a failed life bitching about stupid problems and feeling sorry for myself. Fuck this life. Fuck this god damn fucking body and its fucking feelings. Damn I hope Georgia wins. (And yea, I'm not always that profane but I've had to bottle it up these past 3 days after being around my family and, well, you're getting three days of profanity shoved into two sentences. Live with it or read something else.) Go Dawgs! At least if they win my weekend won't be a total mess. Of course, you have to remember I am a failure........

posted by Pacer 11/23/2001

Wednesday, November 14, 2001

Sweet Thing

And I will stroll the merry way
And jump the hedges first
And I will drink the clear
Clean water for to quench my thirst
And I shall watch the ferry-boats
And they'll get high
On a bluer ocean
Against tomorrow's sky
And I will never grow so old again
And I will walk and talk
In gardens all wet with rain
Oh sweet thing, sweet thing
My, my, my, my, my sweet thing
And I shall drive my chariot
Down your streets and cry
'Hey, it's me, I'm dynamite
And I don't know why'
And you shall take me strongly
In your arms again
And I will not remember
That I even felt the pain.
We shall walk and talk
In gardens all misty and wet with rain
And I will never, never, never
Grow so old again.

Oh sweet thing, sweet thing
My, my, my, my, my sweet thing
And I will raise my hand up
Into the night time sky
And count the stars
That's shining in your eye
Just to dig it all an' not to wonder
That's just fine
And I'll be satisfied
Not to read in between the lines
And I will walk and talk
In gardens all wet with rain
And I will never, ever, ever, ever
Grow so old again.
Oh sweet thing, sweet thing
Sugar-baby with your champagne eyes
And your saint-like smile....

- Van Morrison

Two Versions
Van Morrison (Original)
Waterboys

posted by Pacer 11/14/2001

Tuesday, November 06, 2001

A Girl

There is a girl I know who I think is awesome. She is, perhaps, my favorite person at the moment. It was her, and another girl, who made me realize that there really are girls out there other than the last big mistake (aka, the ex-girlfriend I almost married....but let's not go there) who are cool. However, I have to walk a fine line of admiration. Both have boyfriends. Great boyfriends who I respect. Being a silly person I know I fall easily for people....far to easily. So the main question is how do you become friends with someone, and just friends, even though you know you want to be more but at the same time know you can't have it? Is this possible? I mean, I am not falling head over heels into infatuated love with anyone right now. But I just don't want to bury and possible feelings under friendship. So basically, I want to keep my doors open. I want to be her friend and hang out with her because I love doing that. I dunno what I want..... Ah well! :-)

posted by Pacer 11/06/2001

Monday, November 05, 2001

Only Human

Well, enough of the odd homo-whatever crap from before.... A new phase of time, life, whatever the hell you want to call it and a new shift in my mindset... Just the last one in the past hour. It will probably shift again in another hour. Anyhow, I have been healthier than normal. Healthy meaning running, doing sports, excercising. I also managed to get a huge skin job done on my leg. And because of how I was dressing the wound I had to shave around it. My right leg now looks horrible.....horrible!!! As in if I where shorts mothers shield their children's eyes and women cry at the site of me. Well, I hope it's my leg anyhow. I did forget to shave for a bit to....but no one ever cried before because of that. I've also been writing some stories. And no! You can't see them yet! I am working on an actual long thing and I know if I post it I will NEVER finish it.... Anyhow I'll have something up...some time...soon...I hope. And maybe t his time my hormones won't be the over-riding element in the poem.... Oh those torturous lacy panties and my dirty, dirty mind! Well.... I am only human...

posted by Pacer 11/05/2001