Jumble Thoughts

I am at a loss for words. I had something in my mind to write but it keeps fleeing from my grasp. Today I have a Speculative Literature class. We are readgin We by Yevgeny Zimyatin. In it a man descends into madness through liberation and out once again through confinement. For some reason I find I can relate. I do not know why, or how, exactly. All I know is I can relate.

I wrote a poem entitled "Adventure" below on the 24th. This was intended to represent some of my feelings. I have lockec myself into a cage of my own design over the years and I am taking timid forays out of it for the first time. My safe, well reasoned world is crumbling around me as I adventure into the chaos and the unknown of the real world. Where before I protected myself through carefully crafted traditions and habits I am casting some of these aside. I do not know what will happen or how it will end, I only know that it is beginning.

I hope I am good at heart. I hope that I have well meaning resting in my soul towards others. Now, however, I have stripped off all of the armor of fear and station to enter the battle completely naked. I am mad like a Viking Beserker of old gnashing his teeth at the enemy, plunging head-long into battle. I can already feel addictions and cravings creep up through the crumbling barrier I had created to keep them at bay.

I do not know what I write or what I feel or what I say. I am simply flowing along a path of unknown and unknown and unkown and I know not where it will lead. I am trying to let go and let go and let go and float and fly and be free but I am not sure if I am able or capable or amiable or any sort of able. The light pierces into me bringing forth joy and sadness and pain and pleasure and my brain overflows with thoughts swirling in an incoherent whirlpool and I can not tame them and I lose many to the drops from the bucket that soak into the ground to be recycled in the water cycle of human consciousness.

Enough rambling, I need sleep. Perhaps it will clear my jumbled thoughts.

posted by Pacer 9/25/2001

Monday, September 24, 2001

Wrapped Up

The legs of an angel sweetly
curve
towards
more curves
and clothing in blue and light blue and gold and purity and more
curves
follow
with silk wrapped in milk and a delicate brush finished the scene
with angular eyes and soft sighs and gentle touch
soft feels and slit eyes with concentrated brow
while
digits dance and
hair whirls and
hands caress
with silent
sounds.

posted by Pacer 9/24/2001

Adventure

Carnal pleasure entreat me
And satan's pleasures Beat me
Black and blue, my soul fails
And I fall down a spiral trail
Who's end I know not where
My new adventure might lead.

Here of villain, good or bad;
Which am I throughout these lines?

Will human weakness prevail
Or will my soul overcome
The horrors of the world
And my own reflection in my soul?

From the safety of my own wrought cage
I step out into the chaotic world
To see what I may find
While trying to keep from the cold.

posted by Pacer 9/24/2001

Friday, September 21, 2001

Float

I want to float through life like a feather floats through the skies
And sip the gentle wine of the minds of passerbys
And tip toe over the depths of my mind
As I sing and dance along petals of romance
Down the slowly falling sloaps of happenstance
And smile with relaxation and sighs of one who does not worry about times.

posted by Pacer 9/21/2001

Wednesday, September 19, 2001

Shove

I am about to shove another friend away from me. I do not want to, but I have to. Everything is so broken. So very broken. I do not know how to tell her. I've tried to tell her before but it has never gotten out right. I want to crawl down a hole and hide. Or run away to New Zealand. I want to stop feeling this sadness that permeates throughout my being. Even when you see me smile, and laugh, the sadness is still there, still tangible, in the background. I want to float along with no worries and no pains. Drugs, however, are not an option. The world outside is gloomy, it is as if it wants to fit my mood tonight. May God give me strength to do what is right, may God give me a clear mind.

posted by Pacer 9/19/2001

Tuesday, September 18, 2001

Long Class

The ink runs from my pen onto the page
And I wield my weapon with delight
While an earnestness comes over my mind
And excitement follows forth.
                                                          wrest
Upon a dot of ink a million stories rest
And the slender black instrument call me
With a hypnotic sense and I watch the ink
Soak into the paper as I draw it across the page.

posted by Pacer 9/18/2001

Sweet Adeline

cut this picture into you and me
burn it backwards kill this history
make it over make it stay away
or hate'll say the ending that love started to stay
there's a kid a floor below me saying brother can you spare
sunshine for a brother old man winter's in the air
walked me up a story asking how you are
told me not to worry you were just a shooting star
sweet adeline
sweet adeline
my clementine
sweet adeline
it's a picture perfect evening and i'm staring down the sun
fully loaded deaf and dumb and done
waiting for sedation to disconnect my head
or any situation where i'm better off then dead

- Elliot Smith

Note: The actual song will be up later tonight and the words will be replaced by something else.

posted by Pacer 9/18/2001

Walls

Inside are dangerous spots.
I keep them at bay with my mind
And don't touch.

They hurt, in different manners
And to feel them means death
Not of life, but of other things
Of which I do not want to die.
Right now.

To stand in front of one of these
Is to stand in front of evil
And Death
And Darkness.

Bravery which I do not always possess
Alone saves a man in this place
From the worst evil he can face;
That within himself.

From time to time
War is raged
And good fights evil
As darkness reigns

Each time good has won
And life renews
But it only takes one cut
To lay bare the soul.

Walls constantly are seiged
And destroyed
And built
and defended once more.

Desperate defense begins again
As the sentry keeps watch
For the savior is out there
On the march.

posted by Pacer 9/18/2001

Wednesday, September 12, 2001

Solitude

Further Update: The Song Solitude, Listen Here.

Update: Becky, the coolest girl ever, finally discovered the elusive song's name and author although I butchered the song lyrics. It's "Solitude" by "Edwin McCain".... And it shall be posted up here for your enjoyment soon. Have a great day all!

Please, if anyone who actually reads this can help me, I am looking for the name of a song and the name of the band who sings it. The only lyrics I can remember right now is "the comfort of my solitude"... Perhaps "enjoy the comfort of my solitude"... If you can help, thanks! Drop me a line at: pacer@hordenet.com.

posted by Pacer 9/12/2001

Tuesday, September 11, 2001

September 11th

God Bless The United States Of America.

My prayers to all affected by the tragedy wrought upon us all by the recent cowardly terrorist acts. May God keep you all safe, comfort you in your pain, and see you through these trouble times.

posted by Pacer 9/11/2001

Sunday, September 09, 2001

Un-Witty

I'm sorry. I am not witty in any sort of way. Or interesting. Or cool. Sorry to disapoint once again!

posted by Pacer 9/09/2001

Saturday, September 08, 2001

Forgot the Bills

Forgot to pay the bills. The site will be back to normal in a day or two. : ) (Well, did not forget, I was broke...)

posted by Pacer 9/08/2001

Monday, September 03, 2001

Bad Rubbish

Sometimes I wish memories would disapear and I could just float along life and not rehash all the glories and failures of past moments. Good memories do not exist for me -- they are all past and dead moments, some good at the time and some bad at the time, but simply ghosts which return to haunt me and torment me. Yes, there are some memories I am glad I have. But at the same time those memories are bittersweet. I have no simply sweet memories, only bitter and bittersweet memories. If I could just float along the river of dreams and simply be, without pain or memory, no past and no future but only present, perhaps I would be happy. Perhaps. Most likely not, however, for I think I am a depressive person by nature. One day the candle that is my soul will be snuffed out.... Good riddance to bad rubbish.

posted by Pacer 9/03/2001

Sunday, September 02, 2001

Love and Water

Damn the Pacific dot com, a couple of folks trying to make that enigmatic thing called love work....from long distances.....really, really, really long distances.... Check it out, spread some love if you can, and if nothing else wish them luck. Hell, most of us can't even make it work when we are right next door.

posted by Pacer 9/02/2001

Eyes

There is something
In the twinkle of an eye
Of a pretty girl
As she passes by.

posted by Pacer 9/02/2001

English Class

Wading through cotton balls
Placed throughout my mind
My body screams in frustration
While running out of time.

Eyelids weight like lead
As the world buzzes around
And I fight a losing battle
For consciousness is not to be found.

Nothing can break through,
Steel walls of sleep;
Not pain nor pleasure,
To wakeness can I keep.

posted by Pacer 9/02/2001