A Note To A Friend

Sometimes I get lonely, sometimes I feel like an island unto myself. Sometimes I feel like a rock, solitary and not so sound. Sometimes I feel like it is me against the world - a crashing, indominitable wave which simply keeps pushing me down. But then I remember about my friends, my friends like you. And it is these friends, my friends like you, which always seem to help me, help me get through.

posted by Pacer 8/31/2002

Friday, August 30, 2002

Time

Each and every day, I slip a little further into insanity
Each and every day, I lose a little bit more of my self
Each and every day, it seems a bit harder to waken
Each and every day, I seem to more a bit more slow
Each and every day, I lose a bit of my step
Each and every day, my heart begins to ache more
Each and every day, I become a bit more irritable
Each and every day, I begin to show that I'm mortal

posted by Pacer 8/30/2002

Illusions

What you have to remember is that all this outside stuff are just illusions. Everything. What you like about me, my actions and my stories, the way I word my words, all of these are illusions. The world, on the outside, is simply an illusion. It is a perception piled upon a perception piled upon a perception. It is distorted and twisted until the truth is lost and nothing is truly real - on the outside. What's real is the inside. The soul. The heart. Who I am. It comes out filtered through the illusions - but you can't translate these filtered illusions. The only way to know the true essence of another human is to have a connection with that human - it either happens or doesn't happen. Don't let the illusions decieve you, you have to follow your heart when it comes to love. you have to let go, you have to flow.

But, beware, illusions are a powerful thing.

posted by Pacer 8/30/2002

Thursday, August 29, 2002

Moments

One day I was walking along a path. I passed a bush. In the bush, a bird was singing a song. I smiled and continued on down the path. After a few feet, I came upon a cat. It purred and came to rub my leg. I smiled and continued down the path.

Later that day, when I was returning from my destination, I came to where the cat had once been. It was there no more. I came to the bush. There were feathers all about. The cat was smiled and I continued on down the path.

posted by Pacer 8/29/2002

Wednesday, August 28, 2002

Love

In this chatter
In this seat
In this moment
My heart, it skips a beat
But only for a moment
Completely discreet

It is not everyday
It is not every hour
It is not every second
You begin to see love flower
But only for a moment
For it often goes sour

But
In this moment
In this chatter
In this seat
It does not matter
But only for a moment
Which makes me sadder

posted by Pacer 8/28/2002

You

In the morning, when I've woken out of my slumber into my haze, as I walk through this daze, through this world, I can hear the birds in the bushes trying to crack through. Their sweet song pierces my mood and, at this moment, I certainly think of you.

posted by Pacer 8/28/2002

Tuesday, August 27, 2002

Peakaboo!

posted by Pacer 8/27/2002

Monday, August 26, 2002

How To Be A Whore (or "How To Take Advantage Of People")

1. Make a goal and never deviate from said goal. Sex, money, other benefits, whatever. Decide what you want, what you'll do to get it, and never deviate from this plan. Deviation leads to bad things.
2. Never make eye contact. The more eye contact you make the more you realize you are dealing with a real person. The more attached you'll become to reality and the situation and repression of it will become more difficult. Reality = bad.
3. Avoid kissing. Julia Roberts was right, this makes everything always more difficult. Same as eye contact (above, #2), kissing makes your more attached and more grounded in the situation. This is bad.
4. Lose your feeling. No, don't take a bunch of morphine. Losing your feeling means don't think, don't analyze, don't "feel" inside. The more you feel, the more baggage becomes created. Baggage = bad.
5. Put your soul on hold. Don't let your soul dictate your actions. Only let a cold, rational mind following a pre-planned path be your guide. Cold rationality is best.
6. Put yourself and your goals above all things. This has to be about you and what you want, you have to be the one in charge of the situation even though it appears you are the submissive one. Once you lose control, get out. Not only your life, but also your soul, heart, and state of mind are at state. And those last three are more important than your life.

posted by Pacer 8/26/2002

Friday, August 23, 2002

Scream

I sit here and watch all the bright
      faces of the freshmen as they
      walk by, hand in hand
Wearing their short shorts, wearing
      those skirts and tight shirts,
      making eyes at their little boys
Their toys
Which they wrap around their fingers
Or get wrapped around fingers in
      return
Only to get swamped by the faces
      of those returning students if
      I turn around
Doing the same macabre dance of
      dating, sex, fornication, lust, desire,
       death, life, love
But not really love, only falseness
      and emptiness lies here
Just like the emptiness in their
      heads
Between those ears, behind those
      eyes, the blond hair dye has
      stripped their brains of cells
      long before the alcohol could
And so they hump like rabbits, or
      tease like cats, both the men
      and women
In a sickening charade which ends
      one week
Begins the next
And follows in cycles quicker than the
      season
The moon
The lifecycle of a fruit fly
And here I sit, unable to do anything
Half wanting in, half wanting out, but
      being in neither place
Placed solely in the middle of the
      madness which swirls around,
Unable to tear my eyes away, unable
      to find sanity in the horror and
      pleasure and
And
And
Nothingness.
All alone, but with no reproach to
      the world
For it is of my own doing, not theirs,
      that I have alienated myself from
       this masquerade
That I have rejected my own humanity
Their humanity
Their being as perverse
Wicked
Cruel
Unsteady
With no other reason than my own
      lack of self-esteem
And the power of my delusional
      loneliness
Fuck it all.

posted by Pacer 8/23/2002

Thursday, August 22, 2002

Frustration

There is a knot in my
Heart
Which lies below my head
And above my loins
So, as its position requires
It takes both the matters of the loins
And the mind
And combines the two, moderates the two

Unfortunately, only frustration lies in both
Sometimes one will be satisfied, sometimes the other
Rarely are both, and never with the same object
The closest you can get is content

But, for me, neither has satisfaction
Damn my desires, and damn my actions.

posted by Pacer 8/22/2002

Love

I am at war with
Myself and
Culture and
Women when
It comes to love, or relationships, or simply not being alone
Physically, that is.

The problem is that when I look in a girl's eye
And I see that interest
And that smile forms
I feel nothing, and all I see is emptiness.

These people are the same as all those before
They will not love me
They will not care for me
They are only in it for themselves

But, I feel, I give and give and give
Unless I give in and act the same
Carrying on an emptiness in my eyes
Except for a lust in my loins

Love -- love is a myth.
Love is dead.
At least when it comes to romance, and sex, and all the little dirty things we don't mention
Love is dead.

Love happens. Sex happens. They do not coincide.
The biggest lieof our age is calling sex "making love"
And it kills our children's hearts

Sex? No love. Love? No sex.
Don't fool yourself, person you are next to can not hold both for you.
I can see it. I can feel it. I can tell.
The person you want sex with is not the person you want love with
Forget what you know
Love and sex are dead. Reborn as sex. Love. But not as one.

posted by Pacer 8/22/2002

Tuesday, August 20, 2002

Love

Pain is a matter of caring
When we hurt, our body sends pain messages to our brain
Because it cares about our foot, or knee, or elbow, or stomach
So, in order to not feel pain, we have to stop caring
And we do, with the help of Advil, or Aleve, or Tylenol
We stop caring, our body stops caring about the hurt
And we feel no more pain
This does not mean the damage is not there
Or that the damage is healed
It only means we don't care, we don't feel

Love is the same way.

posted by Pacer 8/20/2002

Love

Love is the way we try and escape our
Solitude

Being
A
lone(r)
some
Times just does not cut it so we

Love
Or try
As we fumble through the day
And our relationships
Awkwardly extending our arms outward
Reaching for a hug, some reassurance
Some comfort, someone

But often we find air

posted by Pacer 8/20/2002

Friday, August 16, 2002

Late Night Musings

So here I sit
Nursing a plastic cup of Coke
Back to health, or further from
Depending on if you're the
Half empty
or
Half full
Type

The night fritters away on the end of a stick I hold in my hand
Which I twirl around, dancing to a mute song
Disconnecting myself from the world
From life
From feelings
From you

But the trite, convoluted imagery does not this night justice
Just as words don't do justice to you
Or my feelings
Of you
For you
From you
Except in the convoluted sense, I suppose

I believe in love, eternal and everlasting, despite what I might say
And I believe in you, more than any before, maybe
But that might all be a delusion,
You and love
Just like this life, this world

Sometimes I get sad when I realize I have no one
Not even my treacherous, backstabbing self
For comfort
I probably reach out to you too much
Just as I reach out to everyone too much
Trying to fill infinite voids, voids only the infinite can fill

There's a lot of love out there
I see it every day
I can feel it, just out of reach of my troubled soul
Tauntingly close
But, no worries. Or sans souci, as the French would say
Life will pick me up and sweep me along Love's swift current
As it will
As you will
As it all will be

Still, sometimes I want to stop it.
Feeling.
Caring.
Longing.
Sometimes I feel that if I could just compartmentalize it all
If I could shove it all in some airtight container
Like the pressurized sections on a sub you seal with watertight doors

But, alas, I feel
And care
And long for days and things I can not have like
A nothing, a mundane, a fool

My cup, however, is back to full health
Announced by the hollow sipping sound of a straw
With nothing, or little, to pick up
At the bottom of an empty, barren cup

posted by Pacer 8/16/2002

Watching from the Sidelines

It's easy to get left behind
Forgotten, standing in the middle of the street
On nights like this
On outing such as we have now
When you're just a bit player
An extra
Or the scenery
When the star walks on by to the co-star
Dancing into the night to the rhythm of the music
While you sit there, humming along
Watching the scenes of their personal movie play out
As your own movie stalls in the gate
Lacking a co-star, or any star
Without a producer, director, or studio

posted by Pacer 8/16/2002

Tuesday, August 13, 2002

City Streets

And out of the night the sun comes up
And I come up
And you come up
And down into the city we walk
Along streets and sidewalks and pathways and greenways
As the day unfolds and we dream and we believe
In the the future, the past, the dreams we know won't last

But still, we go along the streets with footfalls
Echoing off the brick walls of the buildings and catcalls
Being absorbed by the crowds and the cobble stones and pitfalls
Being stepped over by the sandals and slippers and sneakers

And into another day we go, boldly into the sun of the morning hours
Shrugging off the heat like we shrugged off the worries of the day before
And you smile, while I frown, at the lights crossing the streets

Eventually, the moon comes and takes it all away
But we both still have the evening to play

posted by Pacer 8/13/2002

Monday, August 12, 2002

Love

When you love
You leave all things
And no things
On the table

When you love
You let everything go
You let everything flow
Straight through, like a stream

When you love
You don't lose yourself
You don't lose your heart
And you don't lose your love

Unless you try and hold it in,
You try and hoard it for yourself

Love isn't about you
Or her
Or him
Or it

Love is about everything
Love is about sharing
And giving
And taking
And tapping into the life
The energy
The love all around us

You can't hold love
You can't control love
You can't do anything about love except flow
Flow and float along on the streams of love

It's when we try to dictate our own paths that love
Love hurts
Love crushes
Love goes away

Love is.
Love was.
Love will always be.

We won't.

posted by Pacer 8/12/2002

Friday, August 09, 2002

Dreams

At night, I can feel her
I can miss her, at night
At night, I can smell her
I can see her, at night
But at night she is not there
But I am here, alone, at night

posted by Pacer 8/09/2002

Wednesday, August 07, 2002

Love

As I look into the pair of eyes before me I can see
I can see a connection, a feeling, being that I don't feel with anyone else
Both our eyes smile when we make these contacts, these human connections of the soul which bind us together in an instant and roll away off into the horizon the next
And even when we don't connect in those moments, those eyes still meet and still overflow with feeling - regret, remorse, pain, sorrow, joy, happiness, endearment
It is as if, when we are near each other, we let go and feel more
We allow our feelings to escape because of the trust our friendship brings

posted by Pacer 8/07/2002

Midnight Run

It is an irony that in the night
In the dark
It is the harsh glare of the neon signs
The florescent lights bouncing off of dingy tiled walls
Which I notice

Somewhere in that place
Between waking and sleep
When exhaustion of the brain hasn't quite set in
But you still can't see, or feel, right
Is the place the glare, the lights inhabit

The babble of the people bounces off the walls and
My ears
And the walls once more
Joined by the music over the speakers
Which I can't quite make out for it's
Splashing into millions upon millions of drops, each tinier than the next
Each more incomprehensible
Like the pile of chairs in front of me

I know they are chairs
I know what they are, how they are stacked
Memory images in my brain match up with these
Chairs
Here, but I can't seem to understand it all

Somehow I am both here and not here
Seeing but not seeing the scenes around me swirl by in anonymity
But my day drags on
And I have things to do
But, most of all, I've run out of napkins
To write on

posted by Pacer 8/07/2002

Monday, August 05, 2002

Love

Is wanting a certain someone by your side
To keep your company on lonely nights
To accompany you to the grocery store
On trips, to the sea, so you can walk hand in hand on the sand

Is wanting that certain someone to be around you
So you can laugh as you walk down the hall
So you can wander the streets at night and watch the stars and turn and say "The moon is lovely tonight"
So you can have someone turn back to you and say "It is" rather than having the night answer you in silence

Is wanting a hand to hold in the doctor's office
Or in the park while sitting on a bench and watching the clouds roll by
Or in a movie theater as the credits begin to scroll
Or, simply, on the couch at home while the news is describing the latest atrocity in the Middle East

Is wanting a pair of eyes to look into as you begin to cry when you learn your mother is sick
In the hospital, and the doctors don't know what's wrong

Or maybe it's all loneliness.

posted by Pacer 8/05/2002

Consonance

Sweet soft sounds silently slip over the scenery signaling the succession of the sun's sojourn over the sky by the soaring of the moon through the mundane melancholy of the midnight manifold momentarily manifesting itself motionlessly over our heads.

posted by Pacer 8/05/2002

Saturday, August 03, 2002

Love

Waiting around
Sitting around
Standing around

You dream
Around her
And you seem to be
Around her
In your head

But can you think of those
Around you
And the responsibilities
Around you
In your life

Or will you get lost
Around it
And let it drag you down
Around it
Underground

posted by Pacer 8/03/2002

Love

Is nothing
But a gentle feeling as you watch her
Face
Lay there
And smile
As your heart melts away
Into nothing

So Love is
Nothing

posted by Pacer 8/03/2002

Friday, August 02, 2002

Happiness Downpayment

Life is simply about being content. Paying the rent, and all, is what it's all about. So another check I write to my heart, downpaying the space it rests - trying to keep it from getting upset. If I don't pay with a bit of happiness, contentment surely won't come my way. My heart might kick me out, leaving me with no place to stay. So, as I would languish in the streets, I'd have to try and find some way to appease ... appease that bastard heart of mine. That landlord of peace, the one I can't seem to always please. But, it hasn't kicked me out in a while. And as long as I don't play my music too loud, maybe it won't pick on my love's style? You know, the quick and easy "fire and forget," the ones you see one night and then you jet? Maybe so, maybe it won't call me a ho, but that's all I need, although I'd really like to know of some place better to rest my possible happiness. Contentment is all well and good, don't get me wrong, but I surely do miss singing those lovely love songs. And contentment can't seem to fight the pain, the sorrow, that sometimes seems to bite at me. But for now the flat I'm in now will have to do, and I'll have to deal with this rude, rude little heart dude.

posted by Pacer 8/02/2002