A Song About Mary

I'll sing you a song, a song about Mary
A fanciful girl who lived in the world of contrary
And she would dance and whirl until she became merry
And that's the extent of my song, my song about Mary

posted by Pacer 4/30/2002

Floating Disques

I faked inwards a little, blowing my cover man, whipped myself around and went on a dead run down the field with the frisbee slowly descending in front of me. I was almost there and I leapt to try and catch it. The fingers on my right hand momentarily grabbed the edge of the frisbee but the spin was too much and it spun out of my fingers and away into the dirt, landing softly on the ground. I, however, did not land so softly. With a "Fuck!" going through my head, from both the fact I missed the frisbee and the impending impact with the ground, I came crashing down and slid along on my right side.

Needless to say, I am now the proud owner of a lovely set of scrapes going all along the outside of my right calf up to my buttocks. Yes, my buttocks... Not fun for undergarments. And let's not even start about the lovely feeling the shower gave me this morning because of this new wound. On the plus side, we won that game yesterday. It was rather fun and, afterwards, I was able to talk with the lady I am currently writing my "What the hell do I do?" poems about. On the down side, playing that game wiped me out so much I played not so much in today's championship game. We lost. I played poorly. It happens.

But damn, it would have been a beautiful play.

posted by Pacer 4/30/2002

Monday, April 29, 2002

Banter

She makes me smile
As she walks by
And if she happens to be smiling as well
My heart skips a beat
And I do like her very much
But not like the others before
So perhaps I have found the old kind of love
The one that does not ask for "More!"
But the one what makes your heart flutter
And not because your blood boils
But rather because you realize
How special the other person was.

Nonsense! You say to me
You're making no sense
All you keep doing is talking about love
Some idealistic item you can not define
When what it really amounts to
Is the same as those before
You're lonely and feeling the Spring
And that's all that this means.

But, I say in protest
This has gone on far too long!
I had this feeling more than a while ago
And it still burns on
With a steady flame which I can not put out
Despite my best efforts
It simply will not be rout!
So maybe the others
Were my denial of this feeling
And my wish to experience more
And have more understanding?

Who knows? Certainly not me
And it looks as if you know as much as can be
Considering it is you we're talking about
And most people know as much
As a pinprick's amount
When it comes to such

posted by Pacer 4/29/2002

Sunday, April 28, 2002

A Delicate Feeling

It is a delicate feeling
This feeling that I have for a girl upstairs
For it does not burn away like a brilliant flare

It is a delicate feeling
This feeling I have for a girl upstairs
It simply burns softly and sweetly

It is a delicate feeling
And when I see her smile as she passes me
My heart gives a skip of a beat

It is a delicate feeling
But strong and steady at the same time
I thought it may waver but it stills burns bright

It is a delicate feeling
But this does not make it less than others
Which might consume me with passion

It is a delicate feeling
This feeling that I have for a girl upstairs
Could it be love? I have nothing with to compare

posted by Pacer 4/28/2002

Being a Star Wars Hero

Take the Which Star Wars Hero are You? Quiz!

...created by Kenzie.





Well hell, it looks like I'll NEVER escape that damn nice-guy image... Grrrrr....

posted by Pacer 4/28/2002

Saturday, April 27, 2002

Loneliness

So my Grandfather died Thursday. People did the token "I'm sorry, were you close?" conversation when I told them. I did not tell many people.

So was I close? No. When I think of close I think of bosom buddies kind of close. Telling each other secrets, etc. I don't think many people have that with Grandparents. But he was influential in my life. The two most influential people in my like are my Grandfather and Father. They are the forces behind me pushing (despite myself being a stubborn mule).

But the truth of the matter is that I am close to no one in my life. This is always the most evident when you are sad. Or happy. Those are the times you feel the most lonely, and this is the time I have now.

I did not really cry over my Grandfather. My eyes watered. I wanted to cry. The simple fact of the matter is that I have no one I care to see me cry, and I have not been alone long enough to cry by myself. You have to be alone for a while so you do not have to deal with the inevitably questions of "Are you all right?" or "Is everything okay?" These are well meaning and all but let's face it, people -- for the most part -- do not know what to say. I know I do not, I know my friends do not. Maybe if I was 'close' to someone I would, or they would. I'm all right when I cry, I'm just releasing my feelings, stress, hurt, anger, sadness, happiness, whatever.

Which brings me to another reason why I feel so lonely now. No one recognizes my sadness and grief. No one understands it. My family loves me, and I love them, but they are distant. I have no real close friends that understand how I react to things. I have a few that can recognize something is making me react in some way, but they can't interpret these reactions. So there I am again, all alone.

The truth is that I do not want to be alone. It is kind of a habit, though. It is a whole lot easier this way, being alone. I've tried to not be alone, I've tried to be close to people, but the truth is that if you have to try, really try, then you'll never truly be close. It just has to happen. And trying to be close creates relationships that are doomed to failure in many senses.

Now do not get me wrong, I do not want any pity here. I am not so bad off, I have many friends and family members that care about me and love me very much. I will never deny that, and I will often admit I deserve none of them. Being cared about, being loved, is far different from being close to someone, however. Sure, those elements are often found in a close relationship, but they do not equal a close relationship.

So here I am, sitting all alone. Once again. Alone. The difference now from those times before is that, although I am sad and lonely, I am fairly at peace. Patience might save me yet, for only through patience will I ever find someone with whom I might be close, truly close. For now I am going to try and not think so much about things.

posted by Pacer 4/27/2002

Thursday, April 25, 2002

Thoughts of a Girl

So I like a girl
What's new, you say?
This one's different. Different in so many ways.
I like her, you see, not more than those before
But rather in a different way, a way I've not felt before
You see, I don't want to rush things, like I normally do
I don't want a quick fix, I want her to like me, too
But not in the way most people tend to like
In a quick way, not lasting through a night
So I am trying to be patient, I want her to like me right

Patient, you say?
You know not patient. You can't wait for the next day.
I know it sounds odd, but I really like her a lot.
I can't really define it, I just like her as she is
I think if nothing else I'd just enjoy being friends
But it is more than just friends, I like her far more
So I think if I could take it slowly, she might like me for
For who I am, because I do not think she shares
The same like I have for her when it comes to me
But I like her, and I think she could like me

Good luck, you say!
I hope you have your day
Whenever it may be, but may it not be too far away
And we leave, and I know I've not explained
What I feel about her in an adequate way
And as I walk off, and you walk off too
I ponder what exactly I feel
And try to put it in a sentence or two

posted by Pacer 4/25/2002

Wednesday, April 24, 2002

What is it?

What is it you exactly want?
You have to ask yourself that question
Do you just want a piece of ass?
Do you just want to get some play?
I hold this conversation as I lay
On a soft bed with her across they way
While we are wearing next to nothing
And we have so little to say.

It sure was fun, I thought
To romp around in the hay
But now that there is stillness
I'm lost as to what I should say

You have a beautiful body
You are soft to touch
I could get lost in your bosom
I could be mesmerized by your hair
But, as for your intellect, well, it's just not there

So I just have to ask myself
Just what is it that I want?
Should I hold out for something more
Or just cast my lot
In with those who have given up
Given up on finding love
Or is it that I just want some piece of ass
Not some innocent dove?

posted by Pacer 4/24/2002

Tuesday, April 23, 2002

Line Play

Watching the starry skies
On the back of your behind
And watching them shake and twist
With every step I won't miss
And the calves shines brightly in the day
On many more scantily clad ladies down the way
So a smile crosses my lips as I sit back and sigh
And let me raging hormones take my thoughts not so high

For just a little patch of cloth
Can make my sit so quite and still
And dream of far off places and people I never will
Come to know or come to care but man I stare and stare
At that little patch of cloth which accentuates your curves
And man they are so fine and lovely as they swerve
Down your rear, to your thighs, down your calves
No surprise that I like to admire and watch
The beauty of your body so taut

So I sit a little while and watch you walk away for the day
And as I sit I try and burn every line and curve into me
So that I might remember the beauty I saw that day
For nothing more than beauty for beauty's sake
And my blood boils hot and red as any man's
For the beauty you have within your hands
And I sigh and say to no one within sight
"Man, that was one damn fine woman
Who I was able to see tonight."

posted by Pacer 4/23/2002

Sunday, April 21, 2002

A Very Bad Love(?) Song

A soft smile
Lays upon my lips
And my heart would fly
Off so swift
For today is bright
And sunny outside
And today I feel
Like I could sigh
A soft and gentle sigh
To match the gentle thoughts
That run through this brain
Which I have so often sought

But a gentle smile
And a soft sigh
Could only come
Through thoughts of you
But not the thoughts I so often construe
Of other girls, you are quite new
And I can't explain it
For I am at a lost
For exactly what you mean to me
And for what cost
It will cause me to continue on
But all I know
All I know is that you make me smile
In a gentle way with no guile

posted by Pacer 4/21/2002

Friday, April 19, 2002

What Would You Do?

If I looked you in the eye
And told you I loved you
What would you do?
Would you laugh so loud
That those around
Could hear it for miles?

Or would you stand on your head,
If I said,
"I want to hold you?"

And what would you do?
If I asked to marry you?
But not tonight,
Or tomorrow Eve,
And not this year,
But one day please?

And what would you do?

If told you how I loved you
And how your eyes did light
As a smile touched your lips
And made your face so bright?

But what would you say?

If I came over today
And asked you to dance
With no more than a glance
At the watch we both share
And if I sung to you
Without a care

What would you say?

And tomorrow I'll venture
To take you out on an adventure
To dance in the evening
And swirl without meaning

But what would you say?

If I came over your way
And told you I cared
And told you I stared

Quite a while as you walked
And listened while you talked
With fervent attention
But I shall not mention

That I admire your form
So as not to make you squirm
But I might say another truth
That your mind is equal proof
As to how I love your being
And not just your look, your speak
But how you do everything throughout the week

But what would you do?

posted by Pacer 4/19/2002

Thursday, April 18, 2002

Blah.

Fuck it.

posted by Pacer 4/18/2002

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is another day
Tomorrow there is nothing left to say
Of yesterday, and the days that went before
And tomorrow is another day
Clean and clear, bright and new
Tomorrow is another day
Another day for me
Another day for you
Tomorrow I can dream again
And tomorrow I can hope and plan
And tomorrow I can love once more
While tomorrow is forevermore
On the tip of my mind, each and every day
For tomorrow promises me things I can't say
But tomorrow is another day
And tomorrow we'll walk about
And tomorrow we'll talk about
And tomorrow I'll smile once more
And tomorrow I'll cry once more
While tomorrow we'll sing once more
And tomorrow the air will breathe once more
So tomorrow I'll find you
And the world will find me
Because tomorrow is another day
With new options all about
And tomorrow I can look at you
And smile throughout

posted by Pacer 4/17/2002

The End

The finish line is near
Finish hard.
Finish strong.
Finish the race.

My breath is short.
My lungs ache.
Burn.
Finish the race.
Finish strong.

Legs on fire.
Turn to molten jello
Finish the race.
Finish strong.

The line is near
No reason to stop
Must go
Step
Step
Forward.
Finish.
Strong.

Just out of reach
Strive.
Step.
Burn.
Strong.

Must.
Finish.

posted by Pacer 4/17/2002

Tuesday, April 16, 2002

Broken Page

Well hell, I finally have Blogspot working and what happens? My webhosting company has an outage making it so my page doesn't even bother to load... Rather peevish, if you ask me. Sorry for the inconvenience, anyone. My two other Blogs (Insomnia and Quote of the Moment) are hosted on my virtual server which is currently down (along with the company I get hosting from's website). At least this way you can read the crap on my main Blog.

Update: Well, it looks like just minutes after I found out about the problem they fixed their servers... Just grand, ain't it? Least it saved me a phone call.

Update 2: You know, you pay for a service you expect results. Especially when you pay a decent amount. It's down again, and I'm pissed. Sorry for any inconveniences....

Update Final (hopefully): Well, it's back.

posted by Pacer 4/16/2002

The Outcome

So yesterday I was a wreck. I spent the day trying to concentrate on work, trying to get things done, but more often than not thinking about a certain woman and trying to work up the courage (nerve, arrogance, whatever I might find and grasp onto) to ask her out on Friday. Well, I did. Needless to say she wanted to check her calendar.

So the second half of my nervous wreck began: Sitting in the lobby downstairs, trying not to act terribly nervous, and replaying the scene in my photographic memory over and over again and agonizing over each movement made by either side and each gesture, phrase, etc.... I really should look into that whole valium thing.

Well, after getting a decent bit of work done, after agonizing and probably forming another ulcer, she finally told me she had a banquet Friday. HOWEVER, she did mention, after I asked, that she might like to some other time. Pyrrhic victory? Or just a moral? Or a skirmish with the main battle still in contention? Oi, I need to stop reading my military history, I think.

posted by Pacer 4/16/2002

Monday, April 15, 2002

A Question to All

As I sit here, I ponder the choices laid out before me. On one side is the usual choice: Nothingness. No movement, no rocking of the boat (so to say). I could simply leave the ripples for someone else. On the other: Bravery, audaciousness, arrogance, action. I could make waves, strike out alone from the shore like the brave Portuguese and Spanish explorers centuries before.

And I ponder which side to make my own: Should I act, or should I not act?

This question I lay before you, my readers. I want to ask a girl out, but should I? It could be awkward, possibly detrimental. But then the old adage goes "No gain with no pain."

My father once told me of the times past when he was interested in women. He told me how he usually had to be "gotten" rather than being the one that "got." In other words: He was the prey rather than the hunter in most cases. I relate to this rather closely -- people do say I take after my father quite a bit.

So should I? Or Shouldn't I? I imagine I will, but I also still feel the shackles holding me to won't. We shall see what occurs, but until then does anyone out there care? Or have an opinion? Perhaps my main problem is the innate lack of self-esteem I possess.

posted by Pacer 4/15/2002

Sunday, April 14, 2002

Solar Powered Excitement

She looked over at me and said "John, we've been boring today."

Inside I grimaced. I had, indeed, been quite boring on this day. I felt as if all my power of interest had left me and I was grasping at air trying to find something to say, to do, to .... well .... be less boring with.

"Yea, I know." I finally settled with. Not interesting, not interesting at all I tell you. "I'm sorry about that, I dunno what it is. Maybe it's the lack of sleep."

"Maybe." She replied back. "That very well could be it."

By now we had reached the bottom of the stairs we had been climbing and were exiting the building. My mind was still filled with thoughts of boredom and other things of uninterest. Suddenly I looked up at the sky, something I often do as if I was praying to the God of the Romantic -- pleading for some insight into the beauty of the world, something to get my dull mind moving and off its ass. The stair only stared back at me in a blanket of gray clouds.

"I've figured it out." I said suddenly as we reached the car.

"What?" She asked.

"Well, I know why we've been boring!" I added with a bit more excitement. "You and I, Ansley, are solar-powered! That's why we've had a boring day. There's no sun!"

With this she laughed, and I was proud of my self. Ah ha, the true reason behind my boring nature - the lack of solar rays! Now I knew and, for the rest of the night, I was on a roll. Well, at least I thought I was.

posted by Pacer 4/14/2002

Saturday, April 13, 2002

Broken Villanelle

Love
Hurts
Long.

I
Hate
Love.

You
Hurt
Long.

So
My
Love

Lasts
Too
Long.

I
Can
Love
Long.

posted by Pacer 4/13/2002

Friday, April 12, 2002

Girls, Relationships.... Shit.

Ahhh!!!!!
I like a girl, or so I say
But do I like her for just one day?
And is she the one I'd want to meet
On the other side of a pillow in the morning so sweet?
Or is she one I'd rather ditch
After a few trial runs to satisfy my itch
For someone to be there so I'm not all alone
And someone I can talk to sometimes on the phone?
I'd rather just date
And not fool around
I'd rather just be friends
Than get serious and get ground
Down into the misery
Most relationships bring?
Let's be honest, all of us have been there
Some even kept the ring.

Ahhh!!!
Someone I could have fun with
With no expectations found
I think is definitely the person
I'd like to have around.
But is this girl that someone,
Or would I screw it up?
Like I have done so often before
The many times I've fucked it up?

I'd like no expectations
And no jealousy or greed
To come between us enjoying
The life we've both decreed
For our own persons, rather than submit
To a life built 'round each other
Because that always leads to shit.

What to do, and what to say?
Do I even like her in that way?
So many uncertainties, so many things unclear,
So many problems, so many fears!
Would she even like me
In the way I'm debating for
Or would she leave me
Standing at her door?

Why are things so complicated?
When all I want is a date
With someone I find interesting
And beautiful, who I can look at over the plate.
Yes, I'll admit I'm shallow
But is there anything truly wrong
With this course of action
Or is this just a pathetic song?

About the uncertainties
Any boy must face
When it comes to dating
Someone they think has a pretty face?

I do enjoy her company,
Her presence is quite fun
But is the feeling mutual
And where would I go wrong?

I'm going to go hide in a corner
And let the world decide for me.
Or perhaps I'll be bold,
And take it all for free.

Free as in freedom,
Which is how I like my life
Not freedom to declare
This new girl my wife.

I think I might ask her
If my courage does hold
And may the skirmish line
Never fold.

Wish me luck, all you out there,
And wish me Godspeed!
For it is for humanity
I charge in with my steed!

posted by Pacer 4/12/2002

Thursday, April 11, 2002

The Battle of Fome

O Muse, sing in me
And make my song so sweet
That those that listen here
Will honor the subjects' great feats

As I sing of the great Mercutian
A man of humble birth
Who saved a kingdom from disaster
And brought honor forth

To the people of his kingdom
And their King and Queen
By saving their Princess
From a dreadful scene

Where a Dragon lay before her
And a lava pit behind
With death imminent
Unless one was to find

Her sitting in the dungeon
As great Mercutian did
And slay the awful dragon
When he was but a kid

But Mercutian's dragon
Is not the tale told here today
For Mercutian did greater things
Than the kid things he did at play

For the Kingdom was under siege
By the King of the mighty Caem*
And no one thought old Ker
Could hold off his wily game

But Mercutian came to the rescue
With a combination of cunning
And not just strength alone
By routing the King so warring

On the field of battle
With his famous band of warriors
Known as the Mercutian Guild
Who had brought home many furs

Through both loot and hunting
In the wilds of the wood
And none were braver
Than Mercutian's brotherhood

So at the gates they stood
As the Caemlyn's began their attack
And with their might and fury
They beat the Caemlyn's back

For days this was repeated
With no relief in sight
Before Mercutian discovered
A way to end the fight

And the brotherhood snuck
Out of the town at night
In the garb of their attackers
To bring to them a fright

In their camps, thought secure
They would set to flame
And force their armies out
And bring them all to shame

And as the flames were set
King Jacob's bodyguard did find
Mercutian and his aides
Setting fires outside

And a pitched battle did ensue
Between the elite of both sides
And many fell to each
Of Mercutian's spears through their hides

But Mercutian lost his brother
And his best friend from home
In the epic tussle
Of the plains of Fome

But with the fires ignited
And their camp in flames
The warriors of the Caem
Watched their King end in shame

As Mercutian spit him through
Like a boar on a spit
And took out his bannerman
With another hit

And as the Caem's
Saw their king's demise
They ran from the field afraid
To Mercutian's great surprise

So here ends the story
Of the battle of Fome
And of great Mercutian's victory
And the taking of a throne

posted by Pacer 4/11/2002

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

Song

I sing a song of sorrow
I sing a song of love
I sing a song of emptiness
I sing for those above

For it started on a summer's day
So innocent and pure
With maidens playing in the field
Their futures appearing so sure

But on this sunny summer's day
Something went quite wrong
For two star-crossed lovers
Met their fate so forlorn

For Jessy was a maiden
So lovely and so sprite
While Joseph was a brother
Of a Prince who killed out of spite

And he came upon the gathering
Of the maidens so fair
And saw lovely Jessy
And could not help but stare

"She is the fairest beauty
That I have ever seen
And I pledge to make her mine
And none shall come between"

And as she was picking flowers
On the meadow oh so green
She ran into the noble Joseph
Who had intended to be seen

And she looked upon him
With such kindly eyes
As maidens of her stature
Can often bring to rise

"Dear sir, I know you not
But you must be a dream
For I have never seen
A man who would seem

"To be as fair as you
Nor as simple and as kind
Though my father and my brother
So wish me to find"

And the two fell in love
As young people so often due
But neither of them knew
Of their impending doom

For the Prince, Joseph's brother
Had also seen
Fair Jessy dancing gaily
At a courtly scene

And not just the night before
The Prince had ordered
That Jessy be brought to her
Across the country's border

So that he might wed her
As soon as could be
And, he thought
Merry he might be

And so the Prince had decided
To send his brother on the errand
And when the Prince discovered
Joseph had asked her hand

He flew into a rage
None of his courtiers could abate
And vowed to hunt his brother
And let his sword decide Joseph's fate

So Joseph went into hiding
While Jessy went to the Prince
Right after they met in the meadow
And they had not seen each other since

But Jessy pined for Joseph
And Joseph pined for her
And he vowed to free Jessy
And flee away to Ker*

So Joseph sent his servant
A good man named Frank
To tell Jessy of his plan
To make a gallant escape

So Joseph went on plotting
The capture of his bride
While the Prince continued to hunt
Wanting Jessy by his side

Till the day it was to happen
The escape and flight to Ker
When Joseph came upon the Prince
Sleeping in his furs

"Here is my chance
To rid once and for all
My life of all this trouble
And cause his downfall."

But Joseph stayed his hand
For it was his brother after all
And he loved him still
Despite ignoring his call

To bring Jessy to him
So that they might be wed
And instead sought after Jessy
To become his loving bride

But the Prince was not so kind
And was an angry man
So when later the Prince caught Joseph
With Jessy in his hand

The Prince ordered him killed
Showing no mercy for his kin
And set his guard upon Joseph
Augmenting his great sin

But Joseph fought through them
And the two were about to escape
As the Prince suddenly drew an arrow
And pierced Jessy's heart in his great haste

And as she fell to the ground
The two brothers' hearts fell
For both knew now
They'd might as well live in hell

With Jessy no longer with them
To bring her light to their world
And both fell upon their swords
Making their kingdom last no more

But in the sky above
The ancient ones do say
Jessy and Joseph are still together
With Joseph's brother bound to stay

Behind the pair always
Searching for the love
He thought he'd found with Jessy
As peaceful as a dove

And so their play continues
Each and every night
Until the stars grow dim
And someone turns out their light

posted by Pacer 4/10/2002

Tuesday, April 09, 2002

Something

Something reminds me
Of a summer lost
And the rememberings of a season
Just before the frost
Of the winter came
And took away the green
And laid down on the meadow
Its pure white, its gleam

posted by Pacer 4/09/2002

A Sestina

In the madness of the summer
Walking through the sun
My disconnected thoughts
Always floated on
Bathing in the sunshine
On a summer's day

But in the evening of the day
With the setting of the sun
I turn my head on
With the feelings of the summer
And the beautiful sunshine
While I try and collect my thoughts

Although scattered are my thoughts
For I walled in the summer
With the drowsiness of sunshine
And the smile of the sun
As all throughout the day
My thoughts were not turned on

But nothing was on
The television today
So I sat out in the sun
To set adrift my thoughts
Upon the waves of summer
In the warm sunshine

However, while the sunshine
Washed all over my thoughts
I thought about the day
Or upon
The meanings of the summer
And the summer's sun

But in the summer sun
I laid down upon
The freedom of the summer
And its golden sunshine
To set adrift my thoughts
And float through my day

For upon the summer
And the sunshine of the day
I let my thoughts melt in the sun

posted by Pacer 4/09/2002

Monday, April 08, 2002

Lighthouse

Suddenly I feel lost, and the world is caving in
I do not know what's missing, but I know it lies within
Happiness eludes me, and sadness flows throughout
And the fogginess of confusion keeps me locked out

There is a lighthouse up on the farther shore
A lighthouse that I know of, of this I am quite sure
But its light does not penetrate my fog
For in my blind stubbornness I stay away from shore

The light beckons to me, but I continue to ignore
The safety of its beacon, the happiness it ensures
For with a broken paddle I stubbornly continue on
Floundering in the sea, floating for so long

Will I see its beacon, will I hear its call
As the whistle blows, beckoning to the fall
Of the waves up on the shore, of my solid home
Or will I forever paddle and continue on to roam?

posted by Pacer 4/08/2002

Sometimes things go to far....

Sometimes things go to far as a sit and be with you. Sometimes my instincts get confused. Sometimes I have to reel my thoughts in. Sometimes I don't win. I try not to let it touch me -- just as I fight the cold on my feet. It's not there, the cold or thought. It's not there, I have no thought. Everything is simple and normal.

It is no burden, do not get me wrong. I know where I am -- despite my instincts being wrong. Sometimes my habits simply have to be suppressed. Sometimes other's thoughts must simply be dismissed.

I admire everything that you are. To find a duplicate I'd have to travel far. I love you in a very special way -- this, I confess, confuses me each and every day. It's not the same as those that came before -- friends and lovers, family and more.

A simple love with no complications I have. A simple love that complicated in that simplicity it has. You're not like a sister, of this I am quite sure. You're also more than any of the friends that came before. You're not a lover nor a crutch, what you are is less -- and more -- than such.

We offer each other no eternal bond. We offer each other nothing so fond. All we give is a friendship quite keen -- sharper than the sharpest blade, honed to a fine gleam. Comfort, fun, simplicity we give.

I'd say I love you, very very much. But not a love with danger -- nor any kind of push. It's so different from any love I've had before. I try to explain it but always leave my friends needing more.

No expectations, no requirements, simply friendship, love and nothing more. I offer you this with no wishes, hopes, desires from which conflicts could be formed. I hope you will accept this, this love letter to a friend, and not worry or get offended by your ideas of what lies within. But never stop and wonder if you might be the most wonderful of people I think I've ever seen.

posted by Pacer 4/08/2002

Thursday, April 04, 2002

Epiphanic Moment

I walk past the people sitting outside of Espresso Royale Coffee (ERC for short) and stop at the intersection, waiting for the light to change. Suddenly I have an epiphanic moment: Who am I? What am I? You see, I like to think I don't care what the world sees... But I do. I suddenly became self-conscious and my clothes, my hair, my face, everything on me seems heavier and more outstanding. But do I care? Suddenly I return to myself and realize it's not that I care or do not care -- rather it's that I change my matter over the subject so often I might as well not worry about it. From one moment to the next I either care or not care what I'm wearing, what I'm saying, whom I'm with... Not a very good epiphanic moment, but a moment nonetheless. In a day as uneventful as this it will have to do.

posted by Pacer 4/04/2002

Wednesday, April 03, 2002

Lost

I feel so lost
I don't know what to say
I feel so all alone
So I came over here today
To try and figure out
What went wrong so long
And to try and make out
How I might belong

posted by Pacer 4/03/2002

Tuesday, April 02, 2002

Jumble

I don't think we know what we are
She said
Smoke laced words
The music breathing in the back
Chills from the cold, black chair
I know some
I say
Of what I am
Or what I feel and see and believe
It changes
Slowly, quickly
The wind blows my jacket
Zip it
Daily I see differently
Eyes
Ears
Mind
Love and sex change
Their definitions
Are not the same each day
No, nor life and God and Peace
She said
Soft yellow hair flowing down shoulders and black glasses
My eyes don't see things always
As she looks through me
To the street
Walked an old man with gray hair and hunched back
My backpack is too heavy
Take less books
Laughter
Smiles
Dogs sniff the laughter from the air
Sometimes I feel nothing
Like nothing I add
To my cup of joe
And watch it steam
Escape to the air unbound
By the world
The cup
The top
My hand
Her words float away with the steam
As my thoughts
Run into a wall, derailed
Startled
The door opens and outcomes a redhead
With boots
And smiles
And hands, not hers
Life could,
She said to
Float
Away
Vapors of steam

posted by Pacer 4/02/2002

Monday, April 01, 2002

April's Fools

".... I simply can't afford to be a mannequin," she said.

A ripple of polite chuckles, including my own, followed. She was finishing a joke. A joke I had not heard. I had no idea what she was saying --- except for that last bit.

We were sitting around a circular table at the local coffee joint listening to each other banter inanely about this or that. It was the "in" thing to do, I suppose, but I sorely felt the absurdity of the play at hand. People sipping a double mocha cappuccino with creme and sugar and a little squirt of chocolate or something like that. I knew little or nothing about coffee and its assorted shoot-off products beyond the facts that Maxwell House was good to the last drop and if you didn't have Columbian coffee on board your plane the captain would turn it around. I drank hot chocolate.

"I'm gay." I said suddenly, riveting the attention of my fellow tablemates. I consciously picked up my heavily modified hot chocolate --- maxed out with such options as whipped cream, chocolate and caramel dripped over it, as well as chocolate shavings and a thin cardboard cup cover to protect my hands from the heat --- and took a big sip.

"You're gay?" My friend Alice said, twiddling with her solid-black framed and very stylish glasses. "When?"

"Always, I suppose." I replied. "You don't just 'turn' gay from what I hear. According to gay experts your born that way."

"But, you and I ...." Noelle began. I knew where she was going. "Well, you know .... dated ..... in my room."

"I guess I was just trying to fit the social norm." I answered back. A cliché for everything --- and the cliché play was just beginning.

"So what made you decide to turn .... I mean, understand you were gay?" Josh asked. "Too many musicals?"

It was a joke meant to lighten the mood. The nervous laughter proved it had failed. The air of the conversation had changed to that of a discussion of someone who had die. Perhaps my announcement to my friends had killed me for them in their minds. To them I had caught a horrible and incurable disease.

"Well, I can't really say." I said. "Maybe it was being around your sexy self so much, Josh."

This made him wince while the others chuckled once more. Nervously. At this point the conversation died and and awkward silence ensued. This was finally broken by Peter.

"So, do you have a boyfriend?" He said timidly.

"No." I said. The progressive, laid back, accepting façade of the group had been dealt a serious blow. It was crumbling. One of their own had betrayed their beliefs. It was all well and good to accept the lifestyles and habits of outsiders but to accept those things in one so close to home .... They stumbled and searched for answers. Some, I could tell, were already retreating from me. Body posture and facial expressions can tell a lot. Others seemed to try and charge forward, in a halting manner, in their brave attempts to avoid being a hypocrite.

"Of course, this is April Fools." I added. "And, well, April Fools."

A wave of relief crashed over down upon those at the table. One could hear the sighs right before the relieved laughter. It was their way out. They could still be the progressive, accepting people they pretended to be once again. Crisis over.

"I knew you were not gay the whole time." Tristan said with an air of authority. "You dress far too poorly to be gay."

I groaned inside. They had not learned a damn thing from my egotistical lesson. It was April and we all were Fools.

Disclaimer!

posted by Pacer 4/01/2002