Arrogance

Arrogance is believing that someone is thinking about you.
Obsession is believing they care.
Lunacy is believing in true love.
Humans are inherently broken and fallen.
Only God can save us, we will never save ourselves.

posted by Pacer 4/30/2001

Sunday, April 29, 2001

Illusions of Age

Jason watched the scrawny young man carry the magazine, a Maxim, into the bathroom. Jason didn't have to wonder why he carried the magazine, it was unspoken. A dirty unspoken. One of those unspokens that was a silent law because every man, or should he say boy, had those magazines somewhere in their life. No one was sinless, no stones were thrown. The risk of having stones thrown back in return was too great.

Jason began to wonder at this point. He was in college. This boy was in college. True, the scrawny boy was a Freshman. He was not. Did it matter, however? Jason liked to pretend he was beyond the trivialities of the youth with the magazine, but in his heart he knew he was not. He wore nice pants, a nice shirt, and pranced around with a hand held bag instead of the normal backpack. All in order to appear proper and refined -- old. It was all a costume, however, and underneath it he was the scrawny kid carrying a maxim into the bathroom.

Vulgar. Irresponsible. Immature.

Was Jason a man, like he wanted to pretend, or was he simply a boy? Perhaps a mix of both? Maybe that was what he was going through, the transition period. But then Jason realized the lines began to blur. He looked at the Freshmen, saw a more immature group. He looked at the people in his age group, he saw more maturity. Perhaps there was, or perhaps it was simply perception? He viewed the world from where he was. His measuring stick was himself and his peer group, whatever that might be.

In High School, Jason remembered, he often thought the older folks were REAL old. Those Seniors when he was a Junior? Man were they BIG! And responsible. Going to Senior parties. Taking on Senior responsibilities. And those below his peer group, his grade? They were immature brats. They were disrespectful, irresponsible, and worthless. He didn't understand the gap.

But was it a gap? Or was it illusion? Illusion brought on by his own sense of self importance? Jason didn't know, at this point he didn't care. He was walking out the doorway leading into the lobby with the Coke machines. He really needed a Coke.

posted by Pacer 4/29/2001

Despite

And her smile brings the sun's warmth
While her frown brings winter's chill
And, despite ourselves, I love her still.

posted by Pacer 4/29/2001

Monday, April 23, 2001

Apologies

When you fall in love you have to learn to trust someone.
What does this mean?
The image I most like to use is that of Indiana Jones in The Last Crusade during one of the tests to reach the Holy Grail.
Faith.
Indiana Jones has to take a "Leap of Faith" off of a cliff into a seemingly bottomless chasm. He hears his dad dying back in the main chamber, closes his eyes, and takes a step. Voila! He doesn't plummet to his death. Hollywood has a happy ending and the hero wins again.

Another image I like to use is that of jumping from water lily to water lily in a great big pond. It's night and you can't really see the water lilies very well. You have to jump and have faith it will hold you up and you won't drown. (No glibe remarks about "What if I can swim?" please, you know what I mean.)

So what happens when you take this leap of faith? Do you always have a happy ending like in Hollywood? Does the hero or heroine always win? Or is it like the typical 60s and 70s French film, a tragic hero or heroine for which nothing goes right? Any of you out there who have had any romantic relationships know the answer already. It is somewhere in-between.

Lately, however, I have been speaking a lot of French. I stepped off into a large chasm, and the pond was rather deep. The Lilly was not strong enough. (I think I have been putting on weight.) While I know I will survive, I am still waiting for the fall to end. I just keep falling and falling. I can move neither forwards, backwards, or even side to side. (Not that I would want to, side to side that is.)

Now, before this post I have kept things impersonal on my Blog, but I felt I owed at least the one reader (and the one brave soul to write a comment on my feedback, I know who you are!!!) a bit of an explanation of why I have not updated my Blog in a while.

I could write sad stuff, as I have done in all my former posts. Some perhaps not completely overt, but all with a tinge of sadness permeating them nonetheless. But I do not want to be sad anymore. I am tired of the ache in my heart, I am tired of not smiling. I want to write something happy. The next piece of work will be something happy.

Anyhow, there are my reasons. My apologies to all, I will try and smile and write once again soon.

posted by Pacer 4/23/2001

Tuesday, April 03, 2001

Aged Adventurer

The aged adventurer began a quest
To find the seat of happiness.
He strapped his sword to his side
And told those he loved goodbye.
"I am off to find elusive treasure,
Of which brings the greatest pleasure."

posted by Pacer 4/03/2001

Sunday, April 01, 2001

Bee

A bee stared at me
Unblinking, buzzing, hovering
And at first I sat there
Until I decided to wave,
It finally went away.

posted by Pacer 4/01/2001

The Sun

The sun looked down and smiled
Asking if I could come out and play
And all the while
I said I could not stay
Amongst the blossoming trees
Underneath the bright green leaves
And she firted with all her guile
Asking if I may
Come try out a smile
And enjoy Spring's day.

posted by Pacer 4/01/2001