Rain

It was night out. The rain pitter-pattered on the pavement in the dark. Jason was on the porch watching the rain fall in the darkness. The air was moist, the kind of moist that can only be found when it was raining. An almost palpable moist. Thunder played in the background, adding to the music of the raindrops. Pitter-patter. Wet, everything. Darkness enveloped the world except for the piercing illumination provided by an occaisional light bulb here and there. In these outposts of light the raindrops took a more dinstinct form from the hazy blur the unpierced night provided. Pitter-patter.

Jason sat and thought and listened. Another day gone. Nothingness filled him to the point of puking. But Jason didn't let the feeling overwhelm him. He let his worries and fear fall to the floor. Nothingness. The downside of nothingness was the nothingness itself. The upside was the nothingness.

Jason pictured a tree in his mind and concentrated on the tree. He forced his thoughts upon the tree, focusing his very will into making that tree be. Blank the mind. The mind blanked, Jason was alone. No thoughts, no rain, no world. Nothingness. Be. Being.

posted by Pacer 7/24/2001

Friday, July 20, 2001

Disconnection

Ever had one of those phone calls? You know, where the connection between you and the person on the other line just does not exist? You might as well be a telemarketer or they might as well be a telemarketer? Yea..... Kinda sucks, doesn't it?

posted by Pacer 7/20/2001

Eh

Blah.................

posted by Pacer 7/20/2001

Thursday, July 19, 2001

Breaking

I break everything. I broke another thing today. That is all I can do, break things. Even when I was little, I was the kid that accidentally broke that lamp at a friend's party. I broke another thing today. I hate it. I feel so dead and empty. No one is there. The world is all just empty.... I want to just sleep for a long time. Not thing of things. I hate this. I really hate this. I want to die, but I will never kill myself. So don't worry about suicide. I hate this so much. I don't want to feel anymore....ever..... not again. Nothing. That would be nice. Just be, not feel.

posted by Pacer 7/19/2001

Wednesday, July 18, 2001

Simple

Tonight I watch the lights fly by
As my foot hits the floor
And the stars are my only competitors.

The world flies by with nothing in my eye
Or mind as I float through life, free
Of all that presses down and compresses.

The road ahead beckons like a siren
Who's finger is outstretched and waving
Me onward to the elusive goal of nothing.

The world blurs and my nothingness becomes
More than it has ever become and I am alone
But free and open and flying and simple.

posted by Pacer 7/18/2001

Monday, July 16, 2001

Sweet Thing

Eyes shine in the light
Hair flows through the wind
The smells of summer drift through the air
And the sounds slowly float through the night
Rain patters the ground and smiles pattern our faces
Sweet thing, you are, in my arms as I hold
Onto the nights and the days and your eyes
Dreaming of you and of the past and the future
Sweet thing, with you I float along the night
Upon your pale moonlit eyes
And dreams create gardens and gardens create dreams
In your wonderful mind and clear blue eyes and perfect heart
Sweet thing, with you I float and dream forever through the streams.

posted by Pacer 7/16/2001

Sunday, July 15, 2001

Nothingness

"Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was." Lines from "As the Days Go By" by the Talking Heads. Another day of nothingness. Be happy. Nothing on this world matters. Pain is all in your head. Live life, have fun, and be merry. It will all be for the good in the end. Be true, be honest, and love purely. Love is the one thing from God we have. Hate is the one thing from the Devil we have. Given the choice between the two, I would rather choose Love.

posted by Pacer 7/15/2001

Saturday, July 14, 2001

The Optimism

The last Dayroom song I listened to was "Till I Die"...... I like it. It makes me want to cry. Not because it is sad, however, but because it is happy and it brings back a lot of happy memories I wish I didn't have. I love this song, I hope you enjoy it.

posted by Pacer 7/14/2001

Sorry

Sorry for The Pessimism. I don't want to dampen anyones mood. Be happy if you were, be happy if you weren't. This site is my therapy, which my friends will tell you I need. I know very few people read it, if anyone REALLY reads it, but if you just wandered by browse through some of the past stuff. I have some interesting stories, if nothing else. And, please, be happy. The world is far to sad.

posted by Pacer 7/14/2001

The Pessimism

"Underwater I love you" is the name of the song. A chaotic song by Dayroom. Indifference is the emotion playing. La la la. Indifference to this world. I have spent the last hour or two, maybe three?, just sitting here doing nothing. I can't do nothing. That little feeling of motivation folks have? Yea, I don't have that. Not in anything. All I work on is random desires, and everyone knows how long desires last. About a second, maybe two. But now "Cheap Wine" is playing. It makes me smile. Sort of. Not a real smile, but a pseudo-smile. Loads of fun, you should try it. I don't know if anyone can see it, but I am empty. No nothing in side of me. I feel dead. Let me tell you, it is the best feeling in the world. Yes, that was meant to be sarcastic. I am not quite so far gone that I do not know that it is a bad feeling. I have no nothing inside of me. No interest. No motivation. No nothing. Do others feel this way? If they do I am sorry. Everything is dead and gone. Everything. Broken and done with. Fuck it all. If the world thinks it will win, it has another thing coming. I might be dead on the inside, but I am still alive on the outside. And I certainly plan to stay that way for a long time.

The closest friends I have are online. This should tell you something about my personality, and how fucked up my life is. Am I complaining? Whining and bitching? Yea, probably. I could care less what you think, or what anyone else thinks. This is my page, and I can vent some of my pent up thoughts here. Afterall, I have no one to talk to in my life. I might as well talk to a computer screen. Type type type. Type some more. Wow, doesn't that feel better? Kinda like being at a psychiatrist, only alot cheaper.

I learned quite a while ago that no one cares. Not about you, what is really you. They care about the aspects of you that affect them. Are you sad? Well, they want you to be happy so you don't remain contagious and infect them with that sadness. You can sometimes see people who like to be sad do this to people who are happy, as well. Same thing. Do they care if you die? Yes. But only because now they have this person they knew who is there no more. It feels odd, and reminds them of their own mortality. That is why people do not like seeing death. They don't want to be reminded of their coming death, whenever it might be. Are you hurting in some way? People try and comfort you because they do not want to have this thought of knowing someone is hurt. It's kinda like the death thing.

I have all of these feelings towards people. But from time to time I care about someone. I mean, really care. But it can never last terribly long. Why? It drains your energy. It makes you go insane. People are not meant to work that way, simply put. To care about those around you causes stress. Afterall, even if you care about someone you can't really DO anything most of the time. And the times you can? They are little things. The kidns of things that people who don't care would do anyhow. So when does caring work? When someone cares about you. This is called true love, but it is very rarely found. If found at all.

"Better Days" just finished being played. Another Dayroom song. Now "Crazy" is playing. "Bang bang slam the door quarter till four it's time to go to sleep I guess I'll sleep on the floor!" I love this song. It is a good frustrating song. "I'm going crazy, ooooh oooh! Every word you say is going to put me away! Here we are, our lives justi n shambles! It's colder in here than it's been in a year! There's nothing left here but speeches that ramble!" "Doesn't matter what you say, makes no difference anyway, scream all you want, I won't hear you! If I could whisper in your ear, if I could stand you so near, I'd say 'Leave me be you're driving me CRAZY!"

Life involving other people is a joke. Seal yourself off from the world. It's all the same. To think you'll get anything but pain is a joke. Better to have loved and lost rather than to not have loved at all? Nope. The only reason people want to love if they never has is because of the fact that people are innately curious. It is never a good thing, love. It is a never ending tragedy. Afterall, to truly love someone means the death of yourself. Yes, it also means the birth of you and the other as a couple, but it still remains tragic. And, after all is said and done, you die anyhow.

Marriages that last result in either people who are blinded by love or simply don't love each other. The ones who love but see break up. And many of those indifferent ones do as well.

The world is damned. Of course, if you've read the bible you'd know that. Is there hope? The blanket that is Jesus Christ can save. I won't lie, he is the path to salvation. But, let's face it, most people are stubborn fools. The path to salvation is not one they want to take. Even though they know it is. Why are people so angry at religion alot of the time? THEY KNOW IT WORKS. Simple. And they are pissed off they can't do it themselves.

Will I wrap myself in the blanket of salvation? Who knows. Right now I am surely not wrapped up in it. It would be blanketing the world out. I wouldn't be feeling the nothingness I feel now. The question is, do I want to feel what I would feel within that blanket?

One more thing, the major hang up I have found with religion is the simple fact that people want to do things on their own terms. I know that is my problem. And, quite honestly, Christianity means you don't do things on your own terms. Don't fool yourself. If you think it does let you do things on your own terms, you need to read the Bible again. I can't speak for other religions, however. But then again, being born and raised a Christian I know that Jesus is the only way to Salvation. It's just that I also know exactly what that entails....and I have not decided if it is worth it. I always was a stubborn fool. I am the worst kind of the Devil's disciples.

posted by Pacer 7/14/2001

Friday, July 13, 2001

Cage

Loneliness is an impenetrable cage. Sometimes you think you have escaped, but in reality you have gone nowhere. You are just as alone as before. My friends are nice people. I love them very much. They care as much for me as anyone in their position can, and then some. But I push everything away. I let nothing touch me and I ruin everything before it begins. I used to believe I was born a warrior. I still do. I am not meant to create things. The only thing I am good at is breaking things. Everything in my life is broken. All roads leave two places -- and I have yet to move. Nothing in this life matters, but why does it all have to affect me so much? All I have ever wanted is for someone to unlock my cage.

posted by Pacer 7/13/2001

Delusions

One day I want someone to give a damn about me. I want someone to honestly give a damn. Not someone who just doesn't mind having me around, I want someone to give a damn if I am or am not around. I'd like to be asked how my day was by this person. I have thing I want to tell folks but no one wants to hear them. I hate being all alone. Even my so called best friend tends to be a one-sided friendship. She tells me all that ails her, and the few times I talk about my problems I got no sympathy. Only mockery. My life is a joke. I've tried to live as decently as a mortal and flawed human can. Yes, I know it is impossible. I know I am owed nothing from this universe. One day, however, I would like to feel like I belong somewhere, with someone.

Dreams are the gifts from God that keep us going. They are the children of Hope and Imagination. My dreams are also the grand-kids of Delusion.

posted by Pacer 7/13/2001

Sunday, July 08, 2001

Dreams

A new world, like and unlike our own. Light, time, speed, everything is the same but at the same time warped. The world around moves to the whim of whatever it may and the images and scenes flash by one after another. A lovely woman who has a hand gently and sweetly placed on her cheek as she cries, a fearsome mechanical beast fighting in a futuristic and nightmarish landscape, a dragon fighting an armor clad warrior as magical energies burst all around. The world changes and shifts like the sands of a beach in a rhythm just out of reach, but just noticeable. Colors and light fly through the world, flashes of brilliance and the darkest of nights are uncovered here and there. Fantastic creatures populate the place alongside the normal, sometimes in conflict, sometimes in cooperation, but more often in ignorance of one another. The sky shifts and changes colors, darkness, lightness, everything in each second but each second could be an eternity, or an eternity only one second. People talk, stories unfold, epics crafted, heroes born and killed, all in the matter of moments or eternities. Nothing is real but everything is real, and everything shifts and changes with the angle and light shed upon it. Nothing remains the same but everything stays as still as stone while moving at the same time.

Dreams remain, always tantalizing, always just out of reach. I try to reach out and pluck one from the sky, but it alludes me once again. One moves out of the way, another one just simply dissolves as my hands reach it. So many stories just out of reach, so many beautiful, sad, horrific, wonderful, joyous stories just out of reach. Beauty, wonder, adventure, everything in the mind. Love.

posted by Pacer 7/08/2001

Saturday, July 07, 2001

Wedding

I went to a wedding for my next door neighbor Christine. It was a lot of fun. One of our older (as in senior citizen older) neighbors was there and was very lonely looking. He is a cute old man who I love very much. His wife passed away from cancer about 6 or more years ago. I felt sorry for him. I can relate. The wedding made me think of a friend of mine. She's a real great person who I care a lot for, but she is far away. And I haven't been right in the heart or the head. She's great, though. If I ever get the chance I want to ask her out on a real date. No expectations, no nothing. I just want to see if we work that way, and if we don't we can still be friends. She doesn't think so, but she's sexy too. And I think right now the lack of sleep and other things are impairing my judgement on what I am writing. I hope she is well, however.

posted by Pacer 7/07/2001

Wednesday, July 04, 2001

Trust

"I want to be trusted." He said suddenly. "I want to be loved and trusted. I want to be able to relax and be myself around the woman I love. I want to relax. I want to stop trying to be something I am not in order to suit other people, especially the people I want to spend a lot of time with. But I don't want them to suffer for it, either. I want them to enjoy being around me as myself. I want them to love me for it. And I want to love them in the same way."

"Sounds nice." She replied. "Real nice."

"Aye, but I don't think it will happen." He said with a sigh. "Call me a pessimist, but I just don't think it will happen. You can't ask someone to love you for who you are if you don't even love you for who you are."

"No, you can't."

posted by Pacer 7/04/2001

4 July

Happy Fourth of July folks! And for my online friend LI and Melanie, not all of my posts here are quite so pathetic as the last one Tuesday! I promise! Hehe.

posted by Pacer 7/04/2001

Monday, July 02, 2001

Journalism

I loved someone once. Really loved someone. Right down to my bones. All of them, not just bits and pieces. All of that person. I wish it would fade, but the love is a burden I will have to carry for the rest of my life. None of the books ever said it would be like this. Disney lied to me as well. Honor? Wrecked. True love? Broken. No matter where I go, what I do, who I love from now on this person will remain the one who I truly love.

And I am human, which complicates things. Perhaps if I was a perfect being who was perfectly developed I might be able to put aside jealousies and selfish desires, but as hard as I try I can not. And my heart still loves her as much as ever.

What I wish is..... Is to be free. I am caged up and lost at the same time. My heart is not mine to give, nor will it ever be to the end of time. Some past "loves" have fooled me, I thought they might be real. They all faded. This has not faded one inch. There is a cliff you stand on during a romantic relationship. One tip over and your heart is lost forever. I didn't tip, I jumped. It was foolish, it was naive, and it was young. Idealism can be both beautiful and painful.

I could wish for love to return back to what it once was, for her and myself to be together again, but that is far from the answer. I know this enough. How could it work? It would be awkward. Everything is broken. The relationship, my heart, my ideals, my life. I have been nothing but a shell.

I do not ask for pity, I deserve none. This cage is of my own making and of my own foolishness. In my loneliness I jumped. And I am falling hard till this day.

I love others, some very much, but I can offer them nothing but a broken man. No one wants more baggage, people have enough themselves. Too be loved for all that you are is rare. One day I hope have that soulmate connection once again, somehow. Above all I keep hope. It is foolish, I know, but that is who I am.

Enough of the journalistic entry. I hope anyone who might stumble across this has a great day. Love is real, I have seen it. Find your own path, be brave, be reckless, and love like there is no tommorrow. The world needs love. In all of its forms.

posted by Pacer 7/02/2001

Sunday, July 01, 2001

Smoke and Trees

I looked up at the tree and watched all of the leaves sway gently in the night air as the lights from the apartment lit them from beneath. Each individual leaf was glowing in the light and laughter from the people on the porch filled the air. A guitar was playing quietly and people were telling jokes. The smell of second hand smoke sweetly rose in the air to vanish in the midnight sky. The moon shown through the clouds and a star peeked through here and there. Small candles dotted the rails of the porch and tiki torches spread the smell of "we're having a party outside" over the group. I looked over at a set of eyes that were a bit sad, but more than a bit defiant. They twinkled here and there. Beautiful. Another set of eyes were wide as if they were taking in this sort of behavior for the first time. They were always like that. Wonderful. Another set of eyes radiated patience. They were soft and gentle, their owner was relaxing. Perfect. I wondered then what my eyes might look like. Were they sad? Defiant? In awe? Or gentle? Perhaps they were mean, or desperate. I did not know. I just wish they were happy, sometimes. I let out a good sigh and breathed in the cool, fresh air of the outside mingled with the smells of the tiki torch, small candles, and the cigarettes being smoked nearby. It was a lovely evening.

posted by Pacer 7/01/2001